Or so says Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee. When I arrived home yesterday, what to my wondering eyes should appear but an envelope with 8 tiny items making me, the Oratorical Animal, "a REGISTERED participant in this important touchstone survey." My answers "will be used to represent a broad sampling of Republicans in your area." I'm also a "grassroots Republican" and Michael believes that I "deserve to have a voice in the way this country is governed" even though I "did not vote for Barack Obama." Hmmm, that might be a problem. But, hey, I got the letter. And I now know that "the Republican party is not dead and we are not going away." We! Did you see that "we"?! So, let's sit down with this survey, shall "we"?
"Should English be the official language of the United States?" As a good Republican, I guess I can only say "No," especially since Newt Gingrich has started a Spanish language website. Newt and I are both good Republicans, so Newt can't possibly be wrong, can he?
"Do you believe that Barack Obama's nominees for federal courts should be immediately and unquestionably approved for their lifetime appointments by the US Senate?" Absolutely! In fact, let's write that in on my answer column: A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y. "Yes" seems such a liberal, girly word by comparison. I'm a REPUBLICAN now!
"Do you support the creation of a national health insurance plan that would be administered by bureaucrats in Washington, DC?" You bet! My new party is so cool. That loser Obama won't even propose a single payer plan, a Medicare for all. I love Medicare. I'd love "Americare." And the Republicans put it right in the middle of their survey. They're going to bring that to me?! Wow. Let's get those liberals out of the way. Remember, I need to fill in the entire circle and I should probably use a #2 lead pencil. YEEEEESSSSSS.
"Do you believe that the federal government should allow the unionization of Department of Homeland Security employees who serve in positions critical to the safety and security of our nation?" You mean like truck drivers? And teachers? And the rest of the government? And my fabulous union grandfather?! A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y. Solidarity Forever! YEEEEEESSSSSS.
There's so much more. I don't have time to share it all with you because this is a very important "2009 Obama Agenda Survey" which is "REGISTERED in" my "name and affixed with a tracking code to ensure that it is accounted for in the tabulated results." Michael "needs to hear back from" me "right away." You see, "We have been on the defensive" but "In 2009 that all changes!" Gosh, it's already October. I've got to get this in the mail "right away" so Michael can "refocus and rebuild."
After all, "the future of the Republican Party is in [my] hands."